WAYS TO CONFUSE/ANNOY/SCARE YOUR ROOM-MATE

                            Stephe Powell
 
Shelve  all  your books with the spines facing the wall.  Complain loudly
that you can never find the book that you want.
 
Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
 
Learn to levitate.  While your room-mate is looking away, float up out of
your seat.  When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
 
Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your room-mate suspiciously.
 
Clip  your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie.  Leave the
baggie  near  your  computer and snack from it while studying.  If he/she
walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
 
Hide  a  bunch  of  potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When  you  get  hungry, root around in the trash.  Find the food, and eat
it.   If  your  room-mate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand
that s/he reimburse you.
 
Whenever  he/she  is  about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
 
Buy  a  copy  of  Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least  6  hours a day.  If your room-mate complains, explain that it's an
assignment for your primitive cultures class.
 
Open  the curtains before you go to sleep each night.  Close them as soon
as you wake up.
 
Whenever  you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed.  Do so for a while,
then  jump  really  high  and  act like you hit your head on the ceiling.
Crumple  onto  your  bed  and  fake  like you were knocked out.  Use this
method to fall asleep every night for a month.

If  you  get  in  before your room-mate, go to sleep in his/her bed.  The
next morning, apologize about the wet spot.
 
Give him/her an allowance; then dock it.
 
Listen to radio static.  Take notes.
 
Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel,
and go shower too.
 
Whenever  your  room-mate  comes  in from the shower, lower your eyes and
giggle to yourself.
 
Whenever your room-mate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.  Take
notes.   Write  a  paper  on it, and circulate it around campus.  If your
room-mate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
 
Put  pornos  under  his/her  bed.   Whenever  someone comes to visit your
room-mate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
 
Wear  your  shoes  on  the wrong feet, all the time.  Constantly complain
that your feet hurt.
 
Instead  of  turning  off  the  light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer.   Put  a new bulb in the next day.  Complain often about the cost
of light bulbs.
 
Hit  your  room-mate on the head with a fly swatter.  Claim that you were
trying to kill a mosquito.
 
When your room-mate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
 
Hang  a  tyre  swing  from  the  ceiling.  Act like a monkey.  If someone
besides  your  room-mate  comes  in, cease acting like a monkey and claim
that  the  tyre  swing  was  your  room-mate's  idea.   When you and your
room-mate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
 
Challenge  your  room-mate  to a duel.  If he/she refuses, claim that you
have  won  by  forfeit  and therefore conquered his/her side of the room.
Insist  that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.  Do it
again the next day.

Sign  your  room-mate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood
donor, organ donor).
 
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